For instance, I found this nifty piece of automotive hardware that our officers would just love to drive. The Tesla Roadster is an all-electric vehicle capable of 0-60 in 4 seconds and a top speed of 125 mph, good even compared to internal combustion cars. Who wouldn’t want to be seen tooling around the IMA campus in one of these drop-top babies? Alas, the $100K price tag would be difficult to slip into the capital budget without any CFO having an arterial incident. And really, where could the Tesla hit top speed… maybe by the Lilly House, but why bother?

More suited to our needs would be the Miles ZX40, a steel uni-body construction, all electric four-door able to hit a blazing 25 mph top speed.

With the optional AC motor, the Miles ZX40 would travel about 50 miles on a charge and be able to power an air conditioner and CD player, both musts for our patrol officers. The ZX40 would offer low-cost, low-maintenance, zero-emission service while also providing an eco-friendly image to our museum visitors.

I’ve also been able to test-drive the Global Electric Motorcars GEM car. The GEMs are zero-emission electric cars capable of about 20 mph. They look cool, drive smoothly, seem to be well constructed (though with a lot of fiberglass), and they are everywhere. I’ve seen them at hotels, resorts, and airports, but mostly in warm climates. I like the steel, DOT certified construction of the ZX40 better, though.

More recently, I’ve had the local Segway vendor come to the museum to demonstrate the two-wheeler’s capabilities. It’s a neat little unit and they are becoming more and more common around town (Circle Center Mall, Metropolis, Downtown Canal tours), but they don’t fit in well with our patrol needs. Two words: Indiana weather.

As I said, getting vehicles has been one of the snags in my grand plan for shifting to alternatives. Finding the funds to purchase new vehicles has been, as we say in the business, a challenge. We’re still pursuing that avenue but it’s starting to look like I’ll have to organize a few (thousand) bake sales to make the money we’ll need to acquire new wheels.

During the period that I have been seeking new modes of patrol, Security has come into possession of two Trek mountain bikes with full police packages.

They each have red and blue flashing lights and an annoying siren suitable for pulling over speeding staff members. You don’t get much cheaper zero-emissions transportation than a bicycle. However, finding the personnel to pedal the bikes has been snag number two in my plan.

Needless to say, the search goes on to find cheaper and environmentally friendly patrol options for Security. The end result will probably be a combination of foot, bike, and electric car patrol to meet all the various needs of our department, and the museum. However, if there’s someone out there who would like to buy us a Tesla, I wouldn’t turn it down ‘cause I don’t think I’ll be hitting a jackpot any time soon.

The Communication Specialists who work in Control are responsible for monitoring everything and everybody. To accomplish this grand task, Control is equipped with video systems, audio systems, HVAC systems, fire systems, and alarm systems. It has a biometric security system and a multi-channel radio station. It even has a freakin’ drive-up window! I can’t give away all the secret stuff, like the GPS tracking chips we embed in every new staff member, but here’s a little history of the Control Room.

Here I am in the old Control Room sometime back in the 90’s. I spent a lot of years in this room and did some of my best work in there (more about that later).

The room was decked out with sixty-four 8-inch black & white TV monitors and a monochrome alarm computer with the brainpower of a gnat. We had fewer people with radios back then so we only had two channels with which to talk to Security or Maintenance, Housekeeping and Grounds. The room itself was a cracker box, with a two-foot square pillar set dead in the middle of the room. We sat so close to the electronics I swear I’m sterile from all the years of exposure to electro-magnetic radiation.

It was in this room that I created numerous versions of my underground newsletter slash web site in which I gave my sarcastic nature full rein. I made fun of my coworkers, other departments, and all the brilliant decisions management made along the way. Oh, and I made fun of the art. After a comment from Bo Bufore, the IMA’s Shipping and Receiving guru, I created my now well-known cartoon Mindy In Control. Decked out in her security uniform and fuzzy slippers, Mindy (now our new Safety Manager, Mindy Summers) held court from her comfy recliner in the Control Room. She said things no one else dared to utter.

I also created Skeeter & Bubba, the most famous maintenance men in the world, who went on to become the most famous maintenance men on the Internet. Some folks have been here long enough to remember the golden days of my toons being available to the public. Needless to say, I was chastised several times by my superiors and had to periodically pull the stuff from circulation.

In 1999, Control got an upgrade. At the butt-end of the Millennium we finally went to color cameras and monitors. We went from the small B&W monitors to 14-inch and 24-inch monitors. We also got two Gateway computers for processing alarms and for word processing. No more killing trees for paperwork, and no more trying to decipher my partnerʼs handwriting.

Today, the Control Room sports 42-inch flat-screen monitors for viewing our nearly two hundred cameras. The alarm software has been updated. More people carry radios so our radio base station has been upgraded to eight channels. There is Internet access for monitoring weather radar, and there is enough room to play half-court basketball.

Because of all the surveillance equipment, Control is often referred to as Big Brother but we like to think of ourselves as Santa’s helpers, watching who’s being naughty and nice. Either way remember, someone is always watching so be careful where you scratch.